ohhhh do i love the flight of the conchords....

Hot Wheels vs. Barbie Dolls

Yesterday at McDonald's I ordered SillyGirl a cheeseburger Happy Meal, like I do every time. And, like every time, the woman at the counter asked if I would like the "girl" toy or the "boy" toy. This question bothers me BEYOND BELIEF.  Not because I was standing in front of her with SillyGirl, who clearly is a girl, but that the dichotomy exists and that I have to play into their gender game.  Actually, I'm glad she asked instead of assuming that my girl would want the "girl" option: a Speed Racer bag or purse, instead of the "boy" option: an actual Speed Racer car.  Who wants the bag?  It's always like this with the McD's toys-- the boy toy is actually a toy, where the girl toy is not anything that Lucie would want to play with.  (There is, of course, the exception of the really cute Strawberry Shortcake dolls.  She loved those.)

This door swings both ways.  What if a little boy prefers the Barbie, or the bag, or the Strawberry Shortcake doll?  What if he would like to try playing with something besides cars and blocks?  I'm tired of having to pick pink or blue, Disney Princesses or Cars.  And I'm tired of giving Lucie the same options.  Why aren't there just toys, coloring books, backpacks, and birthday parties?  Why do they have to be "boy" or "girl"?

When I was pregnant with SillyGirl I did not want to know the sex of the baby, and the pink/blue dilemma is the actual reason I chose to not find out.  I didn't want my child to be inundated from the beginning with messages about his or her gender and the assumptions people make about that gender.  I didn't want pink frilly froofroo.  I didn't want dinos and trucks.  I was having a baby!  And, because we didn't know the sex, everything was gender neutral: clothes, bedding, stroller.  I loved it!  But, as soon as she was born and went from an "it" to a "SillyGirl," the pink came flying in!

Now, I do not for a second mean that I want my daughter to be a boy, or a Pat (you know, someone you can't tell is male or female).  I want her to embrace her gender and to know that being a woman is truly blessed and a privilege.  I want her to be strong and happy.  But, I want her to pick her favorite color, her favorite Disney movies, and her clothes.  I want her to know that regardless of what the world thinks a "girl" should be or like, she can be and like whatever she wants.  If that means that she loves pink and princesses and glitter, great!  If that means she likes monster trucks, soccer, and dinos, great!  But the reality is, she changes her mind from day to day about what her favorite color is, if she likes princesses or cars, if Dora or Diego is better, or she wants to play with blocks or babies.  And that's just fine with me.  

photos from DC

here are the photos i promised of our trip to DC... before the arm-breaking incident.

sillygirl in the cab of a mail truck at the postal museum: (yes there is a museum dedicated to the usps. it was kind of fun.)

sillygirl and cousins j and r at the washington monument:

the world war II memorial: (absolutely beautiful and humbling.)

sillygirl on the metro:

lincoln memorial:

white house:

arlington national cemetary:

sillygirl being a "cowboy-girl":
we saw a lot more places than i put photos, to spare you all, but we also saw ford's theater, the fbi building, the capitol, the national art museum and statue garden, the supreme court, the national archives, the vietnam memorial, georgetown, the national zoo, the holocaust museum, and more.... it was a really fun trip. it's so nice to have family there-- we stayed with doc's brother and rode the metro into the city everyday. everything we saw was free, even the zoo! the only money we spent was the metro ($8 a day for an unlimited pass), and then whatever food we ate while we were out and about.

sillygirl especially LOVED playing with her cousins and asked to go back "to g's house" as soon as we got home! my aunt and her family live in maryland, not too far from the city, so we ventured up there for sunday night crepes and to spend time with them. again, sillygirl loved playing with the kids, this time they were my cousins. i kept trying to bribe any of the girls to come back to michigan with me and be sillygirl's big sister. i couldn't get any takers.

anyway, it was really fun, even with the broken arm. i've been having a blast with my sister who came to DC with us and will be here for a few more days. today we're headed to frankenmuth--because you can't come to michigan without seeing bronner's!

Broken Arm!

Warning: this post has a picture of SillyGirl's broken arm-- and it's gross.

We were enjoying our trip to DC, and I'll probably put a post up about that later. However, Monday night, our last night there, SillyGirl fell off the monkey bars and the park and ended up with a broken arm. I could tell by looking at it that it was broken, so we went straight to the ER and spend 6 hours there. They had to take x-rays, sedate her, reduce the arm (which means put the bones back into place), take more x-rays, then we could go home. She's a champ! She hardly cried and still hasn't had any pain medication, not even Tylenol! She didn't have anything in the ER either, just the medicine that knocked her out. She wants to take the splint off, and hates the sling, but other than that is doing pretty good. We'll take her to an orthopedic surgeon tomorrow to have the arm x-rayed yet again, and then casted. Fortunately, it's her left arm, so she's still pretty mobile and hasn't had too much trouble. I am worried that she'll fall again trying to climb with one arm.... Here's some photos of SillyGirl in the hospital:

yuck!

watching Dora
so tired!
the non-broken arm was out-of-order, too. IV, blood pressure cuff, pulse monitor.

the x-ray... the bones look like twigs!

Anyway, more photos to follow of DC and her new cast!

Finding a Place

Thanks to everyone who commented about this post.  I don't want to say that I'm on a personal crusade to bring our shortcomings and imperfections to the forefront in an attempt to squash the perfect woman ideals that we hold to ourselves and others, but I am.  That is my motivation to blog these days.  This mysterious perfect woman is a scourge to our gender, both in and outside of the LDS church.  (Wonder what that perfect LDS woman looks like?  Read this facetious description.)  So, in an attempt to free myself from her hold, I am trying to process my own issues and be happy with my choices and my life, and I'm taking any readers with me.

As follow up to that aforementioned post, I'd like to update on the guilt issue.  It seemed like everything had come together this week to continue with this theme: in book group we talked about Freakonomics and I came clean about some family issues, M was asked to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting about this talk, and I finally finished the semester (easing a lot of the guilt, at least temporarily).

The discussion about Freakonomics was interesting and wonderful, especially considering I didn't open the book, and only 2 of us had actually finished it.  (See, just because you didn't read the book doesn't mean you can't come to book group!  Come anyway, it's fun!)  But the discussion ended up talking about what is truly important, and how caught up we get in what everyone else is doing.  We also decided that what is truly important is different for every family and every situation.  What works for one family (formal family home evening, ie) may not work for another who have "family night" but don't try to make their tiny kids sit still to get thru prayers and lesson.  That preschool may be right for some kids, but others wouldn't even like it.  Some moms need school and work to be a happy, sane mom, and other moms would be crazier doing that.  Does that mean that any of those choices are "better" than the others?  The book group's resounding answer: NO!

M did a great job with her talk.  I didn't really get to pay attention the way I wanted to since Doc took the meeting as an opportunity to take a nap so I was on SillyGirl duty.  Though I wasn't personally offended by Sister Beck's talk, I guess it caused quite a stir-- and I can see why.  Insecurity, defensiveness, inability to be encouraged to do better, poor self-esteem,  and the general desire to find fault and be offended, could just be the tip of the ice burg.  M was diplomatic and smart about using other sources and reframing some of the sections the way Sister Beck probably would if she had to "defend" her talk.  (You can read an interesting article in the SLC tribune here that talks about that talk and the changing role of women in the modern church.  Very interesting.)  So cheers to M for doing a good job doing something that I never could have done.

In other news, the semester ended.  And though I'll probably continue to feel guilt about the poor grades I got in some of my classes, at least some of my home-family-SillyGirl associated guilt will be assuaged until the fall when classes resume.  I think we're on the right track for a good summer though.  The TV has been unplugged and placed in the basement.  And after only 2 days of withdrawal, SillyGirl is happily entertaining herself with stickers, Legos, and flashlights. Hurray!

Homage to Mommies

Here's my Mother's Day tribute, in pictures, because I'm already in tears just thinking about writing it:
My parents with me on my blessing day.

SillyGirl and my mom.

SillyGirl and Doc's mom.

And finally, the best "Mother's Day" ever, June 15, 2005, the day I became a mom:
I know, I look great! But SillyGirl had literally just exited my body. How incredible! Here's another of her as a newborn:

Anyway, here's to all the women in our lives that have mothered us: young women's leaders, visiting teachers, mission president's wives, aunts, grandmothers, friends, we're thinking of you today!

guilt. part 2.

*this post is probably offensive to some. you may just want to ignore it.*

I've been trying to process the guilt a little more. Try to understand WHERE it's coming from so that I can attempt to fix it. So, I have a question. Having lived my life since day one as a Mormon, I feel like I confuse general guilt with sinner's guilt. This is complicated by the fact that I feel most guilty at church or when associating with other Mormons-- leading me to think that all the guilt I feel is the latter type. The question is this: how can I tell the difference between guilty feelings from my own perceived inadequacies, and "godly sorrow"?

I thought I could answer this by the same answer I recently gave my husband about trying to distinguish the promptings of the Holy Ghost from other random (or not-so-random) "promptings"-- which is to use common sense. It would be rare that God would put us in a situation, like Nephi, where He would ask us do something against what He has commanded us to do. For example, I've heard of people who excused behaviors like gambling or adultery by saying they "felt like it was what God wanted them to do." And those were members of the Church. We have all seen the news reports of murderers or cult leaders saying those very words. And then there's the FLDS church... everything that they do, they feel they have been "commanded by God." Most of that is another issue altogether. But I feel like it's a pretty safe answer for distinguishing promptings of the Holy Ghost. However, this answer doesn't work for guilt. There's too much gray and too much emotion that play into guilt.

Let's try a specific example of guilt. (I can think of several.) Lately I've been struggling with my decision to go back to school and pursue a career. Now, I think at the center of this struggle is the fact that it's finals and that it's been a really tough semester. (Anatomy and chemistry are NOT easy classes.) However, despite recent assurance from my husband AND Elder Ballard (see his AWESOME conference talk here) it's hard to look past others' perceptions and judgments about my choices. It doesn't matter how much I love school, or feel like it's what I'm supposed to do, I look around at my peers at Church and feel like I'm doing things wrong. So, here's the question: do I feel bad because I'm NOT doing what I'm supposed to and I should change, or rather, do I feel bad because I don't "fit the mold"?

I don't use this example because I want reassurance or pity. I just wanted to be specific about the confusion I so often feel. What do I do? Perhaps I'm not strong enough to hold up what I know is right for me. And then I think about those words "what I know is right for me." Is that a classic example of justification of sin or WHAT? But, if we're all supposed to live the same life, have the same testimonies, and the same personalities, wasn't that Satan's plan? How do I get enough strength to quit justifying my choices and just live them and be happy?

M's testimony Sunday was awesome. She said that she has talked to so many people who say they "don't fit the mold" and then wondered if we all feel that way, why can't we focus on our commonalities instead? Well, I know why I can't. It's because my brain keeps getting in the way. My own issues and insecurities prevent me from being happy with who I am and what I believe. My perceptions are that everyone is judging me and me choices-- I'm being seen as a bad mom, or a bad RS Counselor, or a bad friend because I'm trying to do too much. And that my complaining, my stress, is my own fault because I have chosen to be a student and a mom. So, unless I'm going to just quit those "extra things," my stress and excuses are pretty much invalid because they were my choice. (As a side note, I don't really see it as too much of a choice. School and career are my way of avoiding the crippling depression that has become a part of my life. Without something, I can barely function, and my marriage probably wouldn't last. When your husband chooses a program that takes 7 years of post-grad work, plus a 4 year residency, you find something for yourself.) I don't know how people actually see me. And in reality, I have gotten a lot of support and help (by way of childcare) from many friends in the ward and some family members. So why don't I see those things instead?

In summary, I would love to hear some advice and answers for the following questions (if anyone did indeed read this post, was not offended, and has some insight):

• How can I tell the difference between general guilt and "godly sorrow"?
• How do I quit thinking about how I have to justify my choices and just live my life?
• How can I get over my insecurities and be happy?
• How do I get over my own criticisms and support other women in their choices the way I want to be supported?
  

a "guilt-free" indulgence

ah if only there were such a thing.  i've been thinking this week a lot about guilt.  i don't know if it's because my neighbors are finally back in michigan from florida and all they do is sit on their front porch and watch me, if it's because i'm a woman, or if i really should be feeling guilty, but it seems like lately that is the pervasive "emotion" that i'm feeling.  is guilt an emotion?  for me, it's a way of life.  if i could wake up tomorrow and make one change about my life, i would wake up guilt-free.  i think i would take it for just one day.  i'd take that over wishing away my finals.  i would rather not feel guilt for a 24-hour period.

guilt is a nasty thing.  it comes from everywhere, it invades every aspect of my life.  i feel like i may drown in my own guilty feelings.  and then, to top it off, i feel guilty about feeling guilty.  i think "maybe the reason i feel guilty about x, y, or z is because i am truly doing x, y, or z wrong!  maybe i need to change x, y, or z!"  then i think about changing x, y, or z.  then i think of the alternatives.  i think of ways to process or make decisions about x, y, or z.  and it comes full-circle: more guilt.  i can't think of an alternative.  or the alternatives also make me feel guilty.  or asking someone for help makes me feel guilty because, i mean, what are my problems compared to what SHE has going in her life (or he, because let's face it, doc is busy).

i feel like the cycle will never end.  that it comes from every angle, and that everything i do reminds me of something else i'm not doing or not doing right, and i feel more guilt.

when i was first diagnosed with depression, i remember feeling this component of the illness.  depression is different for different people, but when i was depressed, i felt so guilty.  inferior.  useless.  unmotivated.  tired.  mostly tired.  and when i was in that place, nothing helped.  it just made me feel worse.  "why do i feel so bad?  i'm so lucky.  i have a place to live, a bed, a college education.  i can buy groceries at the store.  i don't get nasty diseases from my water.  etc."  then, more guilt.  then i would go to church: "why do i feel so bad?  god loves me.  i am blessed.  he hears my prayers and can help me rise above any challenge."  more guilt.  fortunately, i got diagnosed.  and with medication and some attitude adjustments, i finally felt better.  years later, i don't need meds any more.  i have bad days, but mostly feel really good.  here i am wondering if i went back on prozac if i would stop feeling so damn guilty all the time.  yes, a magic pill.

perhaps i'm deluding myself into thinking that once finals are over i will finally be a better mom, housekeeper, visiting teacher, wife, sister, daughter, scrapbooker, organizer, runner, dog-owner, gardener, neighbor, friend, helper, pray-er....  a different kind of magic pill.  but the reality is, i still won't feel good enough.  and i will still feel guilty.  at least i won't feel guilty about not studying.  i can have a break from that guilt-- only to have it replaced with different guilts.

i am worn out from the guilt.  i feel nauseous.  i collect things to feel guilty about and carry them like rocks.  i want to walk away.